


This Is Us Colliding

by noxeos



Category: Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cal Kestis Needs a Hug, Cal's pov, F/M, Feelings Realization, Freeform, No Beta We Die Like Clones, Order 66 Trauma(tm), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:14:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26061727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noxeos/pseuds/noxeos
Summary: It’s not unusual for such feelings to rise, he admits, in close proximity all the time, he was bound to …. well, the corner of his lips quirk slightly.  Finds her attractive ? Yes, no doubt, Cal is eighteen, he knows when he’s being attracted to someone or not. The matter does not lie in this, no, but he doesn’t know which words to use to precisely label what he feels about her.
Relationships: Cal Kestis/Merrin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52





	This Is Us Colliding

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :)  
> Fallen Order is the best game of the decade and you can fight me on this on Mustafar.  
> No beta reader, no proofreading, this oneshot has been stagnating in my drafts for too long so here it is. Enjoy the Feels(tm)

* * *

Cal doesn't like that ship. it reminds him too much of a life that is no more, of vast hangars, white armors and boisterous laughs. it reminds him of pain and confusion, of fear and terror running, always running away and dropping his lightsaber in clumsy panic. It reminds him of surviving barely, hiding, pretending, scraping and cutting durasteel that was familiar only moments ago. 

Cere is busy talking with the person in charge of the signal they've received. Cal doesn't feel like listening. He knows he should, it's an opportunity like this one they have been awaiting for months. A chance to make some good with more impact than their own smuggling gigs of the past months. 

And yet he stands aside his fingers absentmindedly drumming against his thigh. By his side BD beeps at him in a low worried tone. He forces a smile for the little droid but no words of reassurance come out. 

"You are troubled" 

He doesn't deny it, Merrin has a way of stating facts rather than asking questions. She sits by his side and lands her pale hand over his to still his nervous fidgeting. Cal doesn't like how his chest tightens at the contact. He is lost and he doesn't understand the reaction. His Master never taught him how to deal with these strange emotions. He takes a deep breath through his nose, thinking about him now will not bring him solace. 

Merrin seems not to expect a reply from him but her hand still lingers on his fingers and he feels like his skin is burning. Cal gathers his mess of thoughts to recenter himself. 

"it looks like…. The Republic." The words are quieter than he expects. Next to him Merrin stares at him curiously. 

"It should feel good, I know, but all I can see is…." he chokes up on words and lowers his gaze. Somehow he still can hear the clones firing at him. 

"I understand." 

Cal wonders if she does truly. He lifts his eyes and stares at her face in earnest. 

"I am glad for the Rebel Alliance" that's their name apparently "But I …. “ _ these people aren’t Jedi  _ . He can’t say the words out. When they landed a few hours ago he has tried not to hope, Republic survivors Cere had said eyes wide with conviction. Disgraced senators, politicians, merchants, mercenaries, logistics staff of the GAR. And not a single survivor of his Order. Perhaps the Inquisitors did kill them all, perhaps that Sith Lord - Darth Vader was it? really wiped them out. 

A shiver runs through him at the memory of his encounter with the dark lord. His other hand moves to where the wound is, now red flesh against alabaster skin. Ironically enough there’s an echo of Force in it, a cry of suffering and hatred that is not his, Cal is not strong enough to go through it. His connection to the Force might be back but the trauma is still present, meditation still unpleasant if he let’s go for a second. 

He has not realized he has been staring at the floor for too long until he feels Merrin’s fingers brush against his forehead.

“Cal Kestis you are to come back in the present” there’s a soft amusement in her tone and his chest does this strange somersault again. 

“Uh - sorry” he turns to BD who has opened his stim canister and chuckles faintly “I’m fine buddy” he pets the tiny droid’s head, takes a deep breath and stands up. BD-1 hops on his shoulder and Merrin follows him, untangling their hands. 

Something brushes against Cal’s mind, an idea or a feeling that he wants her touch back but he shoves it in the back of his mind. Now is not the time nor place. 

Cere walks to them and if she senses Cal’s inner turmoil she doesn’t voice it out.

“Senator Organa says we can contact the relief team on Q’Rah, they’re setting up a smuggling ring for food and essential products for the systems around.”

Cal nods mutely, Senator Organa, it’s a name he has heard only a few times but he knows who the man is, a fervent defender of the peace. As every Padawan who grew up during the Clone Wars, Cal had spent very little time on Coruscant after passing his Initiate Trials. He remembers growing with the Bergruufta Clan 

“ _ If you are of the Bergruufta Clan, you are loyal. Your heart will lead you forward when the way is dark  _ ” Jedi Master Seer Val’a Bren had said what feels a lifetime ago. He remembers 

the geo-politics class, he remembers listening to the older Jedi discussing the war. Cal has been eleven years old when the entire Jedi Temple emptied itself in a safety mission to Geonosis - It had been the start of three years of hellish wartimes. A year later he was picked by Master Tapal, he remembers his old Master being mindful and cautious of Politics, therefore Cal never really knew what happened back to the Capital World. Not that he cared much at this age. 

Yet now he has begun to ponder if maybe sending a twelve years old Padawan on a Warzone has been a wise decision - he doesn’t know, it’s all he ever knew after all. That and fear. He doesn’t want to deal with those emotions anymore, if anything he’d rather think of the feeling that Merrin’s presence elicits in him. Calm, hope, understanding and a strange peacefulness of completion he isn’t quite sure why. 

“Cal” Cere calls and he focuses back on the former Jedi - after Trilla’s death she has cut herself off the Force for good, he understands her position, Cere has scars that still bleed, darkness that still creeps on the edge of her presence in the Force. 

“If we do this” she goes on “I need to know you are one hundred percent in it. We are not playing on a small scale, but entering the most dangerous field there is outhere. The Empire knows who you are, what you are.”

Cal breathes through his nose, fixes a determined gaze on her “I am. You said so yourself earlier, we are done hiding, I can’t bring back the Jedi Order right now, but let me be a Jedi at least.”

Cere is smiling her proud smile, she looks years younger like this, and nods “Very well, after all this was our primary vocation.”

“Help those in needs” He replies, feeling the import of their words deep in his heart. 

Even though when all is said and done he wants to flee back to the Mantis, the republican ship’s walls feel like closing up on him. Cere has tell him his Jedi nature has not been revealed to the resistance. It’s better this way for now he thinks, the cell on Kashyyk might know but here it is different, Cal is not sure he wants to deal with the looks of people who used to work alongside his Order. The less people aware, the less in danger they all are. 

He shoves his hand in his poncho’s pockets, the last thing he wants is an unwanted echo of the Force from his surroundings. His walk back to their ship is brisk, head hung low he barely avoids knocking into someone. Their shoulders brush and Cal is sent tumbling down a maelstrom of Force echo that has him gasping for his next breath. 

The man leans down and grasps his shoulder a worried frown on his face

“Hey kid you’re alright?” 

Cal wants to run on instinct, to reach for his lightsaber and shouts to people to take cover. his eyes are wide as he takes on the other’s features. Features so known, familiar in their plentiness. His eyes are dark with worries and Cal can’t prevent the reaction, instincts of survival kicking on. He recoils sharply, hits the door frame behind him, his lungs struggle to bring him air, his legs giving up underneath him. 

“Wh- What” he can’t form coherent words, he feels thirteen again, climbing the elevator shaft for dear life. 

The man in front of him sighs, closes his eyes in defeat. 

“Hey Rex what’s going on” Another man approaches them casually. Cal’s head is reeling, a clone here! He’s acutely aware of a growing pain in his chest and arm and suddenly large hands are holding him up telling him to breathe slowly. 

“Easy there kid, he’s with us. You’re safe, take a deep breathe”

“I should go”

“What’s going on?”

The voices are muffled, the blood is rushing to his ears and his fingers feel numb. Someone is running their hand through his hair and for a strange reason it helps calm him down. When Cal resurfaces there are four people around him and BD-1 is jumping from a foot to another beeping frantically. The clone - Rex? , the second man wearing a large forest green poncho over a worn out mandalorian armor, Cere and Merrin. The latter is sitting on the floor next to him and he realises she is the one carding her fingers on his scalp. 

Cere is whispering something to the Clone - he hears fragments of it. 

“13th Battalion” “501st” “Sorry” “Control Chip, found it in time” “Can’t tell anyone” 

Rex bows his head then nods to Cal “Don’t worry.” He starts to walk away then turns around with a solemn face “I’m glad you escaped.”

Cal doesn’t understand, doesn’t want to do anything but crawl upon himself and curl. 

“Merrin can you and BD-1 go back to the ship and tell Greez to be ready to leave?”

Cal doesn’t see the Nightsister’s expression but after a minute or so she rises beckoning the droid to follow her. Cere and him are now alone in the empty corridor. His breathing is barely back to normal but the pain - the physical one at least - has faded to a dull one. He feels exhausted. 

“Keep breathing” Cere instructs. He focuses on the pattern, inhales, exhales. Slowly the panic reduces and he can look at her. 

“Sorry” he croaks out but the former Jedi Knight shakes her head. 

“Don’t. It’s a trauma we all carry and you were so young Cal…” She closes her eyes and he knows she is dealing with her own pain. 

“His name is Rex, he was the Captain of the 501st under General Skywalker.”

Anakin Skywalker, yes, Cal remembers, the Order’s superstar. Was he still alive? Cere has said all Council members were gone. He swallows with difficulty around the knot in his throat.

“How can he be there?” Has Rex shot down his Jedi too? How many more clones were still around, why was he with the Resistance. 

“Apparently the Clones were equipped with a control chip that activated when the purge began. Captain Rex was able to remove his in time and flee the Empire. He’s now helping the Resistance.”

Her words barely register. Cal can’t look at her anymore, there are tears burning in his eyes and he feels so tired. Cere took a deep breath and he sees her kneel closer to him grabbing his shoulder gently

“Listen to me Cal, you are stronger now, you are not that frightened lonely padawan learner anymore alright. You are a full Jedi Knight who fought against strong evil and remained true to your heart and principles.” 

He nodded meekly feeling tears running against his cheeks. He wipes them off then closes his eyes, let the Force embraces him and allows it to even his breathing and calm his heartbeat. When he re-opens his eyes he feels a bit better, wholler than earlier. 

Cere seems to feel it and squeezes his shoulder a last time before hoisting him up on his feet. 

“Ready”

He nods “Yes”

“Good, let’s go back before they worry too much.”

Inside the ship Greez greets them as if nothing has happened, Merrin on her hand approaches him with a concerned look on her face. BD-1 circles around them in a craze dance so Cal kneels down, grabs the little droid and perches him on his shoulder once more.

BD-1 emits a tune that resembles a cackle and wheezes throughout the kitchen area to the cockpit. Cal retreats to the end of the ship where he has established his meditation spot and sits on the floor. His meditation is rocky, tentative, he can feel the unwanted bad memories on the edge of his consciousness. He knows he has to let them go; 

_ There is no Emotions, there is Peace _

He inhales slowly, centering himself in the Force. 

_ There is no Ignorance, there is Knowledge _

He has never thought of what the Clones could have felt during the Purge. For him they have been travel companions, often hanging out with them when his lessons were over. This had made their betrayal all the more painful. But if what Cere has said was true then the truth of it was even uglier. A control chip? who decided that. His focus wavers a bit and he takes hold of the emotions he’s feeling at that instant. 

Unbalanced. He has more questions than answers. The Purge to him had been simple, someone had decided that Jedi should die, the Emperor - the Empire rose and people were murdered. Cal has never once thought of why, or how it came to pass. He was thirteen on Bracca, alone and hurt and shivering. What happened on Coruscant was not on his mind. But now....

_ There is no Passion, there is Serenity _

The fear has reduced a bit, he let it pass it through him and release it. Cere is right, he is stronger now. And he has to keep being strong for all of those who did not make it. The Force shimmered slightly around him now, it feels friendlier. Cal dives deeper in his meditation. His mission is to help those unfortunates, and he will.

_ There is no Chaos, there is Harmony _

Cere’s words echoe faintly now, he faces them. There is a call from The Force he must answer, a trial he must undergo. The echo lodges beneath his wound from Vader. But not now, not yet. Cal knows this. He is not ready yet. He will one day unveil the truth of what happens to the Order. Uncertain as to why but he feels the frightening Sith might hold some of his answers. He holds on to this for a second and gently pushes the thoughts away in a safe part of his mind. 

_ There is no Death, there is the Force. _

Cal opens his eyes. Blinks and stares. Merrin is sitting legs crossed in front of him, she’s looking at him with a curious expression. 

“Uh-”

“Did I disturb you?”

“No, at all”

“I find your meditation curious” she adds

“You don’t meditate?”

“I do, to commune with my Sisters and my Magick” she pauses at him and Cal fidgets slightly under her unblinking stare “But yours feels different”

“Mh, Jedi use meditation to commune with the Force and to help us remain focused and in control of our emotions. To find peace.”

Merrin hums “So you do not feel emotions”

Cal chuckles “I do, it’s not about not feeling emotions, it’s about controlling them, not being controlled by them. I’m still figuring this out” He adds sheepishly. Cere might have Knighted him back then but Cal never feels like a true Jedi Knight. As a Padawan during the War he knew the traditionals Trials (Trial of Skill, Courage, Spirit, Flesh and Insight) had been pushed aside in favor of Knighting - sometimes in haste - Jedi padawans to send them help the war effort. His training is incomplete, and will ever be in a way, but there’s nothing Cal can do about it. 

“We don’t allow attachments, so we can not be compromised, it’s about err- being able to let go.” he feels clumsy explaining it. Merrin is frowning.

“Why?”

Cal passes his hand in his hair searching for his next words. 

“Well, as a Jedi your duty is to help others. By being tied down you are valuing your Self over the need of the rest. Your ability to look at a situation could be biased and compromised by your own feelings. ”

They remain silent for a moment. 

“I think I understand. It is like with my Sisters, I love them all but I should not favor one in detriment of the Community. On Dathomir the Clan is more important than the individual. is it the same with you Jedi?”

“Yeah, yeah I guess you can say so.” 

He gives her a smile and she responds in kind. The feeling in his chest blooms. Merrin stands up after a lull, there's an eratz of a smirk on her face 

"I go, Greez promised me a pilot lesson" 

Oh this should be good Cal thinks with good humour. It is heartwarming to see the Mantis Captain warming up to Merrin, the Nightsister has proved to be a skilled student, always eager to learn more about space travel engineering. 

He turns back to his meditation but focusing is hard now so he ends up lying down on his cot, eyes staring unseeingly above him. It’s not unusual for such feelings to rise, he admits, in close proximity all the time, he was bound to …. well, the corner of his lips quirk slightly. Finds her attractive ? Yes, no doubt, Cal is eighteen, he knows when he’s being attracted to someone or not. The matter does not lie in this, no, but he doesn’t know which words to use to precisely label what he feels about her. Found Kinship , like Cere or Greez, sure; yet when he thinks along the lines of family, like the Jedi were, and now his crew, it falls short. He does care about her, he trusts her, she has proved on many repeats she has his back and him hers. So what? Cal furrows his brows. The mere thought of her being hurt by the Empire sends icy needles through his skin, and this is where it gets dangerous he knows. Reckless reactions endangering or compromising a mission stemmed by attachment? he blinks. He is attached to her. In the most intense and frightening new way of it. 

Cal sits up, his heart beating wildly, eyes wide. He thinks about it hard, searching his emotions to name it, having to name it no matter how terrifying the truth is. He is attached romantically to her. He’s in love? with her. 

_ “oh” _

BD, having returned on Merrin’s departure, beeps a question at him and Cal chuckles 

“Nothing buddy, just a bit of an epiphany.” 

Another set of inquisitive beeps. 

“No I don’t think you can help me on that” 

He stares at the ship’s floor. This is problematic in a sense. The last time Cal had let his feelings get the best of him it had set a chain reaction leading him into a lethal rushed escape of Bracca. And the death of Praul. His only friend for the five hellish years following the Purge. The alien had taken Cal in, asking no questions as to why a thirteen years old boy with fresh scars and no belongings wanted to join the Scrapper Guild. A dull pain echoes inside Cal at the memory and he let it pass through him before realising it in the Force.

What if Merrin were to die because of him the same way Praul had - trying to protect him because of his own mistakes? He lets out a groan and flopped back on the bed. This train of thoughts will get him nowhere if deeper into self pity. Cal knows he has grown stronger by now, survived worse and he should not let the past tainted a future that has not come to pass with fears - no matter how encroaching those are. 

He decides it changes nothing, whether his feelings for Merrin are romantic or platonic, he has a duty to protect his entire crew the same way. With a renewed conviction he stands up, stretches his neck and walks to the common area to watch with great interest as Greez teaches their resident Nightsister how to fly the Mantis. 

“You look better Cal” Cere calls from her seat in the kitchen area. He cracks a lopsided smile and nods, eyes trained on the two people sitting in the cockpit. 

“Yeah, got this” 

“Sounds like you do” and if he notices Cere’s knowing look he says nothing about it. Maybe Cal just needs to listen to his Master once more again. 

**_Trust in the Force_ ** . So far It has brought him together with the best people he could have asked for. 

Merrin turns to look at him to smile.

Who knows he thinks, maybe It will surprise him again. 

**Author's Note:**

> *BD-1says please consider leaving a comment <3*


End file.
